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Toilet Dilema

Toilet Dilema

You know what really puts a damper on my day like receiving unexpected tax liens? It’s when you grab some toilet paper and think you have about the right amount and the right dimensions but find out too late it wasn’t quite wide enough for that first wipe and you get some on your hand. […]

Tsunami of Cats

Tsunami of Cats

I put my hand out but couldn’t reach her even though we were in the same room. She laughed, not at me, at the TV—something to do with mice. It was a pleasant evening outside. Inside it was just evening. I asked her to change the channel to something more interesting and she replied that I […]

How I Became a Vegan

How I Became a Vegan

A week ago at breakfast my alphabet cereal spelled Doom in my bowl. I decided then and there to switch to Cheerios. Two days later my Cheerios wrote Doomin my bowl. It seems Cheerios stole a D and an M from the alphabet cereal box, which sits nearby on the shelf in the breakfast section. […]

How Kavanaugh Will Change SCOTUS

How Kavanaugh Will Change SCOTUS

The conservatives will be back in power soon at SCOTUS if Kavanaugh makes it through. And he will now that Mitch McConnell (code name: Snake) has taken Senator Collins into the secret senate torture chamber and water-boarded her with Tapatio. And we all knew Flake would flip, I mean, look at his name, “Flake;” he’s […]

What Brett Kavanaugh Did This Weekend (don’t mention darjeeling tea)

What Brett Kavanaugh Did This Weekend (don’t mention darjeeling tea)

Another Top Five List, with seven items. The whole top five list thing was just a suggestion anyway. I could have called it the top four list but then people would say, “only four? Why bother? If he’s too lazy to put in a full effort I’m not going to read them.” Top six just […]

Trump is in Love … With Kim Jong-Un?

Trump is in Love … With Kim Jong-Un?

Just when I thought President Trump couldn’t surprise me any more he goes and totally blows my already unstable mind. He said it out loud that he and Kim Jong-Un are in love. That they exchange “beautiful letters.” It’s a bromance romance. I’ve seen this formula before: he’s a successful tycoon looking to conquer the […]

Trump Approval Rating Soars to 75%

Trump Approval Rating Soars to 75%

A recent Fox News poll indicates that Trump has a 75% approval rating amongst hard-working, suburban Americans. When we called and asked them how they got those numbers an anonymous official at Fox whispered an answer our investigator couldn’t hear. When prompted to speak up the man pretended to make static with his mouth and […]

A Seal and His Octopus

A Seal and His Octopus

A seal swims up to a kayaker somewhere in New Zealand and cracks the guy in the head with an octopus. I mean really WHIPS that cephalopod at him. The seal did it with intent and seemed to have been making a statement. If you haven’t seen the video, click this link:         […]

I Just Wanted a Large Coffee

I Just Wanted a Large Coffee

Introducing Uncle Leathers: He’s a grousing curmudgeon who, If you get him a sweater for Christmas he gripes that it’s itchy and doesn’t match his suspenders. If you offer him a warm muffin he complains that you’re trying to give him diabetes. If you tell him he looks good today he snaps back, “So, you’re […]

I’m German

I’m German

My wife is German. This is a fact. It says so on her birth certificate. I told her that Trump doesn’t like immigrants and if she misbehaves I’ll ask him to deport her. She’s heard this so often she doesn’t even look up from Facebook anymore when I say it. When pressed she reminds me […]

The Day Hell Froze Over

The Day Hell Froze Over

The day began like any other day, hot as hell, which is exactly how Satan prefers the climate in the underworld. But then, while deciding the fates of that day’s captured souls, he shivers. It’s a small thing this shiver, so slight. No one would take notice of such a small thing, but Satan notices. […]

President Trump Survival Depot

President Trump Survival Depot

I’ve opened an online store selling supplies us democrats will need to endure the rest of the Trump presidency. Click on TrumpPreppers.com or call 1-800-ThisSucks. Here’s six of this month’s best sellers. Item #1. Hip Waders. No longer just for potbellied old guys fishing for trout in lazy streams. The deluge of Trump bullshit flowing […]

Bite of the Butterfly

Bite of the Butterfly

“What would you do . . . if I told you I hate you? “What would you do . . . if I cut you into little pieces?” Principal Magnussen stopped, peering over the ragged edge of a pink piece of writing paper he held in his hand. He began drumming his left hand fingers […]

That’s Quite an Amazing Tentacle You Have There

That’s Quite an Amazing Tentacle You Have There

I arrived in the lobby of New York’s newest and most prestigious French restaurant, Bâtards Prétentieux, where the maître d’ barred me with a wall of attitude I doubt he could back up if he came out from behind that podium. Do you have a reservation? he asked, peering down at me over his Bob […]

A Day at the Mall

A Day at the Mall

The shocks on the car squealed in relief as she forced her bulk through the door one flabby segment at a time. There were other people in the car but I couldn’t figure out how they fit in there along with Big Momma. I was watching this while sitting in our car with my two […]