How Kavanaugh Will Change SCOTUS

The conservatives will be back in power soon at SCOTUS if Kavanaugh makes it through. And he will now that Mitch McConnell (code name: Snake) has taken Senator Collins into the secret senate torture chamber and water-boarded her with Tapatio. And we all knew Flake would flip, I mean, look at his name, “Flake;” he’s Flakey.

Here’s what you can expect once that Yale chumster makes it into the halls of justice:

5) Casual Fridays will be back with all the reefer you can drink and all the beer you can smoke.

4) Clarence Thomas will finally have a like-minded justice with whom he can share all the sexist jokes he’s been saving up. They’ll also share an office and play racquetball together every Thursday. Clarence will start calling him, “Kavvy.”

3) The all-gender bathrooms will be eliminated. And if you can’t be a man or a woman in this new Republik you had better figure out which one you will pretend to be, and fast. You can be pan-sexual if you want, just don’t go telling anyone!

2) Citizen rights will be staunchly defended… as long as they’re in perfect alignment with white protestant values and don’t conflict with their version of the Bible. At all. Not even a little bit. You will all live Christian lives or else.

1) Brett the brewmeister will change all the locks to the building every weekend and not tell Ruthy. She won’t be able to get in to complain about it because his pit bull, Heineken, will always be guarding the door.

Written by Logan Skulli, if that is my real name. It is. Or is it?