Trump Approval Rating Soars to 75%

A recent Fox News poll indicates that Trump has a 75% approval rating amongst hard-working, suburban Americans. When we called and asked them how they got those numbers an anonymous official at Fox whispered an answer our investigator couldn’t hear. When prompted to speak up the man pretended to make static with his mouth and claimed we had a bad connection.

We called back later that day and a pleasant-sounding lady claimed we had dialed the wrong number. We called back but the second time she got pretty surly about our questions and called us muckrakers, whatever that means, and hung up, loudly.

We suspected they knew who we were and had our number blacklisted, so someone asked the janitor in our building if we could use his phone and he agreed. We called again and spoke with a man who said they conducted the poll professionally and with utmost care at a recent Trump rally in West Virginia. We suggested that all the people attending those rallies were Trump supporters and of course they would give him their approval. The man responded that you would think so, but it turned out that 25% of the attendees were just there to see in person what kind of crazy shit Trump would say next. We wanted to ask more questions but we heard a lot of scuffling and then the sounds of someone being subdued and then the line went dead.