President Trump Survival Depot

I’ve opened an online store selling supplies us democrats will need to endure the rest of the Trump presidency. Click on TrumpPreppers.com or call 1-800-ThisSucks.

Here’s six of this month’s best sellers.

1. Item #1. Hip Waders. No longer just for potbellied old guys fishing for trout in lazy streams. The deluge of Trump bullshit flowing in from Washington is already deep and wide so I suggest the ones that come up to your armpits.
2. Item #2: I’ve Lost My Coverage Med Kit. This isn’t like that tiny kit with ten Bandaids and a package of ibuprofen in your medicine cabinet. No, sirree, I’m talking big, baby, ‘cause you’re gonna need it when Trump rips apart the Affordable Care Act. My kit is going to have it all, including a metric ton of Oxycodone, Percocet and Fentanyl. If my kit can’t cure you, at least you’ll be numb.
3. Which leads me to Item #3: Vodka. You’re gonna wanna stay blitzed, schlitzed and tits-up for the next four years. And with all those tariffs on imports, you’re gonna need cheap booze. I carry vodka because Putin told Trump not to put tariffs on his shit. I’ll be selling it by the case and I’m offering a ten case discount. In fact, buy the whole damn truck so you won’t have to come back for more.
4. Selling out quick is item #4. The Trump Translator. You ever listen to Trump and wonder what the fuck he’s talking about? You won’t need to keep guessing anymore with my Trump Translator. For example, you’ll learn that when Trump says “We need to lower taxes on business.” What he’s really saying is that all the rest of us are overdue for a financial ass-raping.
5. New in the store: Item #5 Red Ties and Blue Suits: Get them now before they sell out. When Trump’s Gestapo comes around to find Democrats for “political rehab,” you’re gonna wanna pretend to be a Republican, [I know, it’s gonna take some work to learn how to be a douche bag]. Don’t despair, I have what you need to get started. Buy two of my blue suits and red ties and I’ll throw in a gigantic bible for your coffee table. Call in the next 24 hours and I’ll take half off a portrait of Ronald Reagan to hang over your fireplace. For the lady Democrats I sell long skirts in dull colors, sensible shoes and conservative hairstyles.
6. Dressing like a Republican won’t be enough, you’re gonna want Item #6: The Conservative Lingo Handbook: I’ll teach you how to sound like a Republican, you know, gullible and slightly insane. This handbook will help you stay off Trump’s radar. You’ll learn to spit out phrases like: pro-life, enhanced interrogation, religious liberty, states’ rights, war-on-terror, judicial activism, card check, fake news, and other clap-trap that will appease and fool the serious men who have just goose-stepped into your living room looking to see if you have copies of the Huffington Post lying around.

Act now! You don’t have much time left before these raging maniacs drive America back to the early 1800s.

by Jessica Horowitz