What Brett Kavanaugh Did This Weekend (don’t mention darjeeling tea)

Another Top Five List, with seven items. The whole top five list thing was just a suggestion anyway. I could have called it the top four list but then people would say, “only four? Why bother? If he’s too lazy to put in a full effort I’m not going to read them.” Top six just sounds wrong and top seven puts too much pressure on me to think of seven things each time, so get off my back about it already!

Anyway, today’s Top Seven (and by today, I don’t mean I’ll have a new one every day; I’ll put one up whenever I damn well feel like it).

Brett Kavanaugh had a pretty busy weekend while he was waiting to see what the FBI would find.

7. Drank 37 beers Saturday afternoon, because he decided he’d better cut back on the drinking.

6. Went to the basement, got all the real calendars from his school years, and buried them out back under the walnut tree.

5. Dug up the buried calendars and burned them then buried the ashes.

4. Dug up the ashes and ate them, because the FBI has some really good kit, best not to chance it.

3. Got pissed off and frustrated at a fly that kept bothering him and broke some shit while trying to kill it.

2. Swept up the broken shit and buried it because it kinda made him look like a maniac.

1. Dug up the broken shit and burned it and then ate the ashes to save him the trouble of burying them and then having to dig them up again just to eat them anyway.

Doesn’t Brett look like the kinda guy who’d go off on a rant at a moment’s notice? Maybe you and a friend are sitting with him, talking politely about tea, and suddenly he jumps up and punches your friend, who only said Darjeeling tastes better than Earl Grey. Your friend throws his hot tea at Brett in revenge, and Brett pulls out a wicked looking 9mm and shoots him six times in the head and then points the gun at you and says you’ll help bury the ignorant fucker or the next two will end up in your head. I can totally see it.

Written by Logan Skulli. I don’t know why I bother putting this at the end of each article. I mean, I write all the stuff here, so you can pretty much assume that whatever you read here, I wrote it. I would like to have some help but apparently all the good writers have jobs and are unavailable.